Welcome to the fabulously epic tale of Goldilocks and the three bears – the truthful version. That’s right, the truth revealed. For many years now people have been telling the story of Goldilocks and they have been telling it all wrong! Nonsense I tell you, complete and utter garbage.
To begin with, the beautiful character that’s been described to you doesn’t even have gold locks, in fact, she is brunette. And all that sweetness and nice you’ve been told about – RUBBISH! This girl is a serial bear terroriser wanted in three different lands for burglary, vandalism, breaking and entering and overall disturbance of the peace.
One day, this horrendous young lady was stalking through the deep, dark woods seeking out her next victim when all of a sudden she saw a quaint cottage. You’ve been told before that the three bears left the door opened, but that’s a lie. Actually, the horrid girl picked up a large boulder and smashed through the living room window before leaping through (she was quite a good jumper and had once won awards in school before she became naughty)
Once she was inside she set straight about causing mischief, finding herself first in a cramped little kitchen filled with the delicious aromas of a roasting bird. (Did anyone really believe that three strong bears really lived on a diet of disgusting porridge?) The girl had already had a huge breakfast that morning and wasn’t even hungry, but on the other hand she was selfish and greedy and didn’t want those silly bears having the chicken all to themselves, so in one swift mouthful she took the biggest bite she could, swallowing it straight down. And just when you’re thinking things can’t get worse, she raised her face and sneezed – ALL OVER THE REMAINING CHICKEN – knowing the bears would return and eat it. (bleugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)
Soon the beastly character was bored and made her way down the narrow hallway into the living room (stomping her muddy feet and rubbing thick mud into Mrs Bears expensive carpets) In front of her eyes lay three old, antique chairs, handed down through the generations of the bear family. She knew they were special as soon as she has seen them, and a sickly grin spread wide across her face! Slowly reaching into her backpack (that’s right, she’d packed what she thought she’d need to cause mischief, experts always do) she raised a large, claw hammer into the air and struck the chairs once, twice and thrice until there was nothing left but splinters and dust on the floor. “Good luck sitting on those you silly bears”, she cackled as she skulked up the stairs.
Now, if you think back to the original tale of Goldilocks, you will remember that the young girl had been so tired from her long walk in the woods collecting beautiful flowers to cheer her mother up. Phish, posh, nonsense! Having refused to go to bed the night before, Goldilocks had thrown a huge tantrum, slammed her bedroom door and torn her room to pieces. She then waited, as quietly as a mouse, until the first glimmer of sunlight appeared in the meadow, then she jumped out her window and ran off into the woods (without telling her mother, who by this point had called the police and was frantically worrying at home) By the time she had arrived at the Bears house she had been awake for almost 28 hours, and despite her best efforts was finding it difficult to stay awake. Rather than go home, the spoilt girl selfishly chose the biggest, softest, warmest bed she could see and huddles in (she didn’t try them all, that’s a lie… she could barely keep her eyes opened at this stage and didn’t have time for messing around trying out memory foam mattresses or triple spring toppers).
Not long after she had drifted off into a deep slumber the Three Bears returned from their early morning jog, ravenous for the taste of salty chicken. And unfortunately at this point I have to tell you that they weren’t really paying attention and ate the chicken whole, boggies and all.
Father Bear had a great sense of smell (he’s a bear, of course he does) and soon realised that something was wrong. He marched straight to the living room with the family and they discovered their chairs – however, these bears weren’t mad. Or upset. Or even bothered. You see, this is not the first time the unlucky bears and been broken into, and therefore Mrs Bear had bought the greatest insurance policy available, for times of emergency (just like this)
So the bewildered family ventured forward, wondering who or what could have caused this mischief (they had heard of some bad wolves and wicked witches in the area so had been on high alert) As they reached the top step on the stairs, a horrendous snoring sound could be heard coming from Mummy and Daddy bears bedroom and the family tip-toed in. There on the bed lay Goldilocks (fast asleep with slabber running down her chin onto Daddy Bears pillow) The concerned family had heard gossip in the woods that a young girl similar to Goldilocks had gone missing and Mummy Bear set straight about contacting the authorities (as all sensible, kind people would do) but before she had a chance, Goldilocks shot up, threw the giant blanket over the families heads, threw a lamp at Baby Bear and scarpered through the balcony doors and back into the forest.
Now to this day, no one knows if Goldilocks was ever found or if she ever went home. The three bears contacted their insurance company and have since bought three brand new chairs, which they all agree are much more comfy and better for Daddy Bears back. When asked they said they were “sorry that they could not have helped Goldilocks more” and appealed for her to return home to her worrying mother. (Do those sound like the words of three mean bears?)
And there you have it. The truth. The real events of that day, now kept secret from all tiny children in case all the nastiness of Goldilocks keeps them awake at night.